FOX News (a not so funny post!)

[redacted]

I got in trouble for that one!! And moved the "friendly discussion" to email to avoid turning the soapbox into a forum for the least entertaining type of conversation - political debate (specifically between Girl and MJP - although we still like each other after such scenarios, I'm pretty positive no one else will)!

In other news: What I said about Tila Tequila in that post was wrong. I am sure she has views and opinions that matter like everyone else. I wish her the best of luck finding true love this season!

~Girl

Curing A Vice

Over the past few weeks I've realized that I spend way too much time analyzing the appropriateness of daily events in my life in order to determine if I really want to put them on here for all to see. While that in itself may very well be a sign that I need to make some serious lifestyle changes, I'm going to go ahead and ignore that warning and blame this dilemma on one of my most entertaining pastimes: Hating.

If you know me - you know that I am probably one of the most optimistic and generally happy people you'll ever meet. I have a smile on my face about 95% of the time, and you have to be an exceptionally detestable person to really get on my bad side. I am, however, a recreational hater. It's always been a hobby of mine, and my stint last year working 4 nights a week at a hipster-esque bar in downtown DC helped solidify my status as a card-carrying member of the Haters Club (in my official gear, above). The thing that's different about my joking, though, is that I really just do it in good fun, and I'm actually best at making fun of myself -- I just have a feeling that if I followed my tendencies and blogged the hate, people would get the wrong idea.

I mean, I seem to continually put myself in ridiculous situations, so I could very well fill this entire blog with stories about said ridiculousness - but I just naturally find myself wanting to write about, for example, the guy walking behind me on campus today who (in a fledgling attempt to woo a fellow doctoral candidate) somehow managed to utter the words bathos and polyglot in the same sentence. I'm not even gonna touch that, but please know that if listening to you talk makes me question the grasp I have of my native language: that is grounds for hating (brits, customer service representatives & people from Lynchburg, South Carolina - take note).

Anyway - I really don't want this page to bring any negativity to anyone's day - and since I'm probably the only reader, i might as well not bring any negativity to mine! So, I'm banking on this whole 'not blogging the hate' thing to help cure me of my joking ways. Instead of going through the day noticing too-tight pants and weaves gone wrong, maybe I'll start to look for more positive, light and entertaining things to observe and provide commentary on.

We'll see how it goes. This weekend should be a good test as I have engagements in venues that are normally rich with prime hater material (a hip dive bar, a swanky new lounge/club, an adult kickball game...). I, however, will focus on the positive and report back.

Weening Myself Off the Haterade (sp?!),
Girl

UPDATE: Between losing my 4th phone in almost as many weeks, slamming my head against taxi doors, and trying to stay afloat while paddling along the Anacostia (ew!) - I was left with no time to worry about other people's issues!! Progress.

I'm a bad pick-up line receiver

I don't think I necessarily get more than the average person, but I'm such an awkward receiver that it often times ends up quite a memorable affair. I used to just play along and smile and either keep walking or start walking. I found that 9.5 times out of 10 that would lead to me being followed and/or accosted for the remainder of my time within 800 meters of the pick-up artist. SO, to cut down on temporary stalkers, I decided I would just be my normal self (which i suppose is awkward!) Anyway - I seem to be a magnet for creative lines. I don't know if that's a good or bad sign. I got a particularly flattering line this morning [1st one below], and it inspired me to start keeping a record of any amusing exchanges I come across in the next few months... The 2nd and third ones are oldies but goodies.
No Commentary, Just a List!

Guy in front of metro: Hey Hey!
Me: -----
G: Hey Hey Hey Hey HEY!!
Me: yeah?!
G: Are you mixed?
Me: Huh?
G: Like, are you mixed? Are your parents mixed?
Me: Oh, like half white or something?
G: Yeah, yeah.
Me: No
G: Oh, 'cause you're so beautiful, it looks like you could be.
Me: Ohhh.... hmm

Homeless looking guy shaking cup for change on the corner while i'm waiting to cross the street: AY SHORTAY!!
Me: [laugh]
Guy: AY SHORTAY!! I KNOW you hear me. Come over here.
Me: [more laughing]
Guy: I SAID come over here!
Me: What?! Why don't you come over here?!
Guy: Damn. I'm busy, mama.
[eventually comes over (...assuming his busy schedule cleared up)]
Guy: I just wanted to tell you somethin'.
Moi: What's that?
Guy: I'm not really homeless - I just do this on the side for extra cash

The old guy at the bar: Hey sweetie.
Girl, who is trapped next to him because of space constraints: Hi
Old: Are you a model?
Me: No
Guy: You should be.
Me: -----
Old: Heh, well, I can take some pictures of you later on tonight if you want...
Me: [leaves premises]

Rain-X : A 10 Month Case Study

After ten months of extensive research, I finally drew my conclusions on the performance of Rain-X. Not Good (if you plan to drive in the rain).

After I sell my car in a month, my arsenal of ridiculous stories will most likely decrease by 50%. That's one of the perks of having a German engineered car that was for some reason built in Mexico (where I can only assume some major engineering concepts were lost in translation)! Given this decrease in material, I'll try to get as many car stories in as possible :)

My windshield wiper motor died at some point last year, and instead of replacing the motor (logical), I decided to rely exclusively on Rain-X to get me through any downpours I may traverse in the future (economical (cheap!)). It had been doing alright - as long as I applied it regularly and drove as fast as possible in the rain so that it would whisk off instead of just sit on the windshield in beads. I was okay with that.

This morning, however, DC encountered a rare tropical-style downpour that lasted from the second I left MD to the second I pulled up to my apartment. I hadn't reapplied my Rain-X recently and was unaware that after 3 months or so of wear, Rain-X gets old and turns into something like the equivalent of smeared vaseline across the windshield in the event it should get too wet. I thought that was a strange quality for such a product, but it was even stranger that the vaseline-ness of it intensified only while moving forward (i.e. I could see enough to drive when I was stopped at a stop sign, but as soon as I started moving forward, I might as well have been blind). That picture up there is misleading - as they should have a 3rd window labeled "treated but wearing off" that displays something similar to THIS.

To make a long story short, I made it home and safely avoided the 16 car pile-up which - given the conditions - any other unsuspecting driver would have surely miraculously managed to cause on the 15 mph speed limit empty neighborhood streets I took home...

I'll get my windshield wipers fixed this week.

UPDATE: Apparently tornadoes touched down where and when I was driving. Maybe it wasn't all Rain-X's fault...

Ouch!!

I went to a DC United game yesterday with Mr. B and his girl, the roommate and her friend. Before everyone else showed up, the roommate and I were hanging out in our seats before the game & they started kicking balls into the stands for the fans. I stood up and waved my hands - and that apparently is the signal for punt an overly filled soccer ball from 50 feet away directly into my face, please. For that is exactly what happened. I'm not trained in catching things that are flying towards me that fast - so I stretched my arms out in front of me as if i was catching a soft fly ball in right field. That didn't work. The soccer ball hit me square in the face and damn near knocked me out.

As I was trying to gather my senses, some guy in front of me picked up the ball from my feet and started waving it around as if it was his! Everyone protested, as I clearly deserved at least a ball for the swollen lip and (what i now think is a) slightly broken nose. He agreed to thumb wrestle me for it and proceeded to be way too competitive about it, so I just told him he could have the stupid thing.

It was kind of a funny situation. Until I realized the next day that I had really done some kind of damage to my nose. It's super sore, and there appears to be some sort of free floating bone particle in there.

That's the last time I signal for someone to forcefully punt a ball at my face.

No Will Power

I just got convinced to buy tickets to and attend a Bryan Adams concert.

Discuss.

The 5 Tibetan Rites are Wrong

So yesterday I read an article about 5 rites that Tibetan monks do everyday that supposedly helps them live such long and healthy lives.

I want to live a long and healthy life - so I figured I'd give them a try. They're mini exercises - similar to yoga type stretches and poses. I read the warning about starting off slow to see how your body responds - but i ignored that (given the top notch physical shape i am currently in, naturally).

Well - I did them this morning and by the time i got to work today I was unable to breathe deeply, yawn, laugh or make sudden movements without excruciating pain. Those silly monks are flexible (and feisty! remember we saw that one breaking windows?!!).

Anyway, i swear I'm allergic to yoga. 2 years ago when i took up yoga [to deal with commuting to work from home and you joining some crazy organization] i was unable to walk without pain in my back for months! that is not healthy! my back is fine when i DON'T stretch it! it's when i start messing with it that it acts up.

monks are crazy.

About Communion

So, today was one of the rare days I felt compelled to try to take communion again. All the talk today about the Last Supper and Easter and receiving the body of Christ was very inspiring! I think today was my last attempt however, until (if I decide to in the future) I am baptized as a catholic, and go through rigorous ritual training with you!

This time I got one part right - I said amen, BUT it was awkward 'cause when I walked up, the guy was looking at me like I was supposed to do something before he said "body of Christ". [am i supposed to do the whole cross thing or something? i saw some people do that - but I feel really wrong doing that as a protestant! I'd probably do it wrong anyway and go to my right 1st or something. that's wrong, right??!] SO, after a long pause he says "body of Christ" and I say AMEN very proudly.

Then I had a flashback to church growing up where we (or the pastor) would actually break the bread before we ate it. ha - so I instinctively pressed down on my "bread" to snap it before I put it in my mouth. Well, I guess Catholic bread is harder than baptist bread because the thing cracked into a million pieces in my hand! I didn't know what to do - so as I was walking away trying to stop myself from laughing out loud, I cupped my hand, threw back my head and tried to discreetly accept my crumpled portion of the "body of Christ". Once again, everyone else was doing the whole criss-cross and letting the bread dissolve in their mouths, and I was walking back chewing and confused.

That was my third and final failed attempt at accepting communion at a catholic church.

A New Purpose

SO, Mr. P, instead of overflowing your inbox with emails this deployment - I'm going to write on here whenever I get the urge to write long emails of a non-urgent nature about random things [i think that encompasses about 95% of my emails...]

You can respond by either commenting or posting.

You should post too whenever you feel like writing to me about your daily musings. I dunno what your internet access is like, so maybe it will just be me talking to myself! It'll be cool to have a dialog on record, though.

ttyl